Jared

Today is what would have been, my brother in law Jared's 28Th birthday. We lost Jared on June 14, 2009. It has now been just over seven months since his death. I am not one to post or even share my inner most feelings because I do not like feeling vulnerable. But I have always regretted not posting more about Jared when this happened. I will want my kids to be able to read this and remember.

If you have ever lost someone close to you, then you know it is not easy. First, there is a feeling of shock. Then, devastation. Followed by, what do I do? Then you just get done what you have to and try to forget the reason why you are doing it all in the first place. Eventually, exhaustion kicks in and all you can do is curl up and cry. All of this can take place in a week. Then, everything is done. You've said your goodbyes, you've hugged your loved ones until your arms ache, and everyone is gone. Then, reality kicks in. The reality that you will not hear their voice again. You will not see them smile, hide from, tickle, or tackle your kids anymore. When the shower is leaking, they are not there to call. You will never get to say what you always meant to say and you will always wonder if they knew. I can't say that everyone has feelings the same as mine, but these are real.

Jared was an amazing person! I have a great love for who he was/is. Because of my son Maddox, I saw something in him that I might not other wise have seen. They are two peas in a pod. I think that makes losing him all the harder. When I look at Maddox and imagine losing him, my heart breaks for Jill, my MIL. The heart ache she must feel on a daily basis is too much for me to even think of. Jared's nick name was "Jare Bear." He got this nick name because of the grumpy face he wore. He would use it as a shield to keep people at bay. Maddox does this. But break Jared's shell, and he was the most thoughtful, caring, sweetest, funny guy. Maddox is this way. The two of them had a special bond that can't be broken. Maddox is crazy, and unique. Jared loved that about him because he saw himself in him. They would play for hours just wrestling and hiding from each other. Of course, Jared would play the same way with Mason and Claire. Only, he would carry Claire around so she could tackle the boys. I hate that he will not be here to watch them grow up. And I pray that they will always have some memory of him. The pictures of him are few and far between because he did not love the camera. I think that if I was not such an annoying picture taker, we would not have any.

I am so grateful to have had Jared in my life. I know this sounds weird, but I have had a dream of him since he died and he was happy. Really happy. He looked good. Younger, smiling, and truly happy. He told me that he knew it was all true and that he was doing what he needed to. He said that he was really happy and that he loved me. I have never had a dream that felt so real before. And trust me, I dream a lot. Since that dream, I have really felt at peace. I know that we will get to see Jared again. I know that he is doing everything possible to make that happen. And I know that he knows how much I loved him. This life is always changing. You never know when someone will leave you for good. Don't take advantage of the people in your life. Tell them that you love them every chance you get and don't let little issues get in the way. It's just not worth it.

I just wanted to post this video of Jared again. You will see the "Jare Bear" glare in there, but you will also see his face light up. He was a good man with a very loving heart.

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We love you Jared! Happy Birthday!